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A Weight Too Heavy to Bear Alone 071116

Posted on July 11, 2016 at 1:30 PM


I have accepted that my depression, my darkness is a part of me. In fact, at one of our book signings a couple months ago, one woman said something to the effect of “You wouldn’t be here, doing this work if it (my darkness) wasn’t.” She said it comes through in my writing, my empathy for those in similar situations, no matter the name they give it.

Today, I am moved to confess, lately, I am having a hard time fighting the darkness from creeping in. It starts with the little things … maybe I stay up a little later, then sleep a little later. Maybe I stay in bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, or even thought I get up, I can’t keep my eyes open as I work. Maybe I forget to eat, or even pee (personally, I never understood people who could forget they needed to pee… that is, until I was that person).

The biggest tell for me, when the darkness creeps in, is my self-induced isolation. This has been my life for the past few weeks…maybe months. I have somewhere I need to go, in fact I want to go, but I just can’t move. Days like these, even if I make it out the door, I seldom reach my intended destination. Then the internal struggle begins. I tell myself I should go, that I want to go, yet still I can’t move. Then I chastise myself for thinking this way. Whomever I am supposed to meet or see will be disappointed, or upset. Do I make an excuse, or do I do nothing and hope they will understand? But I don’t understand, how can they?

Yet, still, I am paralyzed by the darkness.

There are things I know I can do to help me through this, but it is a fight to move.

There are so many wonderful things going on in my life, yet still, the darkness is relentless.

I fear getting lost in that place, that prison within my own mind. It is a place I swore I would never again live. But I see it before me. I need to make a drastic move. I need to find a way back to the light. I need to remember I am not alone, and I can make it though.

Only time will tell.

I need to write. I need to make art. I need to renew with sunlight and the love of those around me. I need to fight my way back, but I am so tired. I am so very tired.

#BeTheLight I remind myself. It is inked into my skin, always with me, reminding me to keep fighting, reminding me of the joy I can attain. #BeTheLight is not just a catchphrase, it is my lifeline.

It is my mantra, it is my battle for life and for happiness. #BeTheLight

 

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